Love Letters
Q. What is to be done about having high standards? I generally think I’m doing quite well with life. I’m successful in my career, I’m a compassionate person, I have a fairly good relationship with my family, I seem to understand emotions well, etc. The issue is that I don’t seem to meet many people I feel compatible with.
I struggle to strike a balance between having standards that I genuinely feel are rational, and “settling.” Nobody is perfect, yet I don’t know what to do about feeling like I don’t meet many people I am excited about. What is better: being alone and lonely while having the possibility of a future relationship or to have a relationship that doesn’t really feel “complete”? I don’t know what to do about all this.
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There’s part of me that goes on dates and I quickly realize that I feel “out of their league” and at a very different place in life, but I also don’t want to be too critical or judgmental. This balance feels impossible for me. Help!
STANDARDS
A. “The issue is that I don’t seem to meet many people I feel compatible with.”
That sounds about right. You’re not supposed to be compatible with everyone.
If people loved everyone, with ease, there wouldn’t be a zillion novels and TV shows about how hard it is to find a partner. It’s a common experience, to feel like no one is a match.
It can be depressing and exhausting, which is why people take breaks from dating. It’s also why it feels so nice when someone shows up and seems to have potential.
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The only thing I worry about in your letter is the phrase “out of their league.” It seems you never feel the other way around. Ask yourself what being “in your league” means, and whether your checklist for “standards” misses the point.
All I’m saying is that the person who is hot, makes money, and went to a fancy college … might not be funny. They might not come up with an incredibly interesting thing about dinner. I know people who married someone in their league, and years later were like, “Huh. I could have used better company.”
Do not settle. It’s always better to be single than coupled with the wrong person. Also, being single can be the best. But do try to go into dates curious about why the other person might be interesting. Leave with some answers. A change of attitude might show you that some of these people are, at the very least, kind of great to be around.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Here’s the thing: You can have all the “high standards” you want. And standards are good. What doesn’t work is creating your “dream person” in your mind because this person doesn’t exist. I made the decision to give people more of a chance, if we got along on a first date I would definitely ask for a second. I also realized that EVERY person I felt “sparks” with was wrong for me. Every one of them. So, I made it a point to not pursue those people but to look for people who were attractive but also good, had goals, had a great sense of humor, and were responsible and kind.
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JSMUS
You’re dismissing people before you even scratch the surface of who they are as a person. You call it high standards, while others might call it arrogance or snootiness. Confidence and self-esteem are great character traits, but you emit the unseemly aroma of believing you are better than everyone else. You list several qualities that you feel are desirable and attractive, but the glaring one that seems to be missing is “fun to be around.”
THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
You’re focused on the tangible … observable and measurable. You’re missing out on so much about what is wonderful and extraordinary about love, because it’s a language with no words.
EACB
Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.