Love Letters
Q. My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years. Overall we are very happy. He is handsome, kind, smart, considerate, a great dad, and we like to do nearly everything together. Biggest problem has always been in the bedroom.
He has always had a low sex drive, and for the last 20 years or so we have rarely had sex more than once a month, but when we did it was fun and made me feel closer to him. As the years have gone on, intimacy has been less and less and now we are dealing with erectile dysfunction.
I’m thinking of telling him I don’t want to have sex with him again. It seems like too much work and it is disappointing when he can’t perform. Is this a bad idea?
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Of course I’ve been googling “sexless marriage.” I read about how much more intimacy can add to a relationship, but it just seems like a waste of time, considering how lackluster things have been.
He isn’t interested in seeing a sex therapist, although I told him that was the only idea I had for really tackling some of our issues. But he also doesn’t jump on the idea of just committing to being sex-free, which frankly surprised me.
– Going Without
A. I’m not a fan of you saying — or proclaiming — that you want to give up on sex with your partner. It sounds like a punishment. It’s also about you making a decision for two people.
My advice is to go to the sex therapist on your own. Talk about the issues and ways to process how all of this has made you feel. Tell your husband you’d like him to join you. Maybe it will be less intimidating/scary if he’s there on your behalf. We did a podcast episode about a sex therapist last year, and it occurred to me that many people misunderstand what these experts do. Your husband might be imagining — and put off by — things that don’t even happen there. (I do recommend listening to that Love Letters episode, called The Pleasure Principle.)
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My instinct is to tell you that physical intimacy doesn’t have to be all or nothing — that there’s cuddling, kissing, and a bunch of other stuff to do. But I imagine you’re sick of reading about all the ways you can almost get what you want.
Instead, I’ll just say that this starts with therapy. I wish your husband initiated this help for himself, but I also have great empathy for someone who fears being told he’s not doing enough, or can’t do what makes you happy.
After you seek this counsel, you’ll be able to tell him what help looks like.
Focus on that. Don’t make rules. No proclamations about “never, ever.” You’re committed, instead, to learning more.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
If you rule out sex altogether, because it’s not as spontaneous as it used to be, eventually you may work your way toward justifying infidelity or divorce. I hope you and your husband can find a compatible path to preserving what sounds in many ways like a successful marriage. BLUEAWNING
[Don’t] start by asking him to go to a sex therapist, which may be extra intimidating. Find a couples therapist who can work with you on communicating. JIVEDIVA
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Listen to the new season of the Love Letters podcast.