I’m rarely attracted to people. Am I too picky?

I don’t know what to do to meet someone I’m compatible with. My interests aren’t really things where you’d naturally meet people socially. I feel lost. Am I really being too picky and do I need to get over things so I’m not alone for the rest of my life? I worry if I “settle” or “compromise,” I’ll resent my partner down the road for some reason.

LOST

A. My first thought: Consider therapy, where you can talk about a lifetime of expectations and pressures. It sounds like you want to process your childhood — the rules that worked for you, and the few that didn’t.

It might be a freeing process, so go for it.

My second thought: Don’t settle or compromise, but do get to know people before rejecting them.

Many times, people click with a potential romantic partner after a bunch of dates, when they understand a person’s humor, kindness, and way of being. You might require a slow burn.

Try some apps, and go into first meetings with less of a goal. There’s no need to determine whether someone is worthy of a long partnership, only whether you find them interesting and think they’re good company. If it’s a yes to those questions, see them again. You’ll either get bored or want more.

Wanting more can lead to something great and real, even if it doesn’t align with a list of perfect mate attributes.

Last thought: “Rarely” being attracted to people does mean it happens. It’s OK if attraction isn’t a regular occurrence. Enjoy it that much more when the stars align.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

“I don’t know what to do to meet someone I’m compatible with. My interests aren’t really things where you’d naturally meet people socially.” So you never mention what your interests are, yet you complain about not being able to find someone compatible with your interests. You are a person bound and determined not to receive the help you claim to want.

BIGSIGH

Examine your standards and requirements — are they reasonable and even possible? Also, try to examine your interests and identify them — they may help you to find a way to connect with someone who shares them. You don’t mention any of them, so I don’t know how important they are. And the only way to find someone you’re attracted to is to meet lots of people.

WIZEN

Start by freeing yourself from your family’s expectations. This is your life to live, not theirs. Also, examine how much of your pickiness is in fact generated by your family’s pressure. How much of this is even about your expectations? If you’re living at home, move out. Experience some true independence. Cultivate friendships that don’t involve your family or your religion. In addition to the therapy suggestions, which are great, perhaps consider a matchmaker after you’ve figured out your actual desires. You don’t seem like an apps kind of person. Good luck.

HIKERHGAL128NH

How fun do you think you are to be around? What are you able to offer a partner? You seem so rigid, with no wiggle room for any discrepancies; this will not serve to find a partner. Maybe trying to relax a bit on what you think will make a good fit.

LEFTYLUCY7

So you never go to grocery stores or shopping malls? Have you not learned that basically every time you get out of your house, you have opportunities to “meet people socially”? People are everywhere, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince or princess or whatever your preferred partner might be. Everyone you meet is a potential opportunity, but you have to interact with them by talking, first and foremost. So: Get out more, meet more, talk more. Ask the next person you meet what the time is — then ask them where they got their watch (or phone) and why they chose that particular one.

ANTELOPESPANDASKOALASOHMY

I assume you’re young, and your one precious life is waiting for you to live in any way you choose. But for various reasons you describe (and other reasons you may not even be aware of), you don’t sound like you actually believe you can, and/or know how to claim your life. It’s like your life (your sense of self) is floating around out there waiting for you to fully inhabit it. You describe a controlling childhood with high expectations. Perhaps you internalized those things into your own high (unrealistic? impossible?) standards for romantic partners. Maybe you’re anxious about living a fully autonomous life. Basically, the whole package is called self-actualization, and maybe that’s an area you could benefit from learning about. Regardless, the issues are internal and not about the people you’re meeting. We all deserve happiness, fulfillment, love, and joy. Don’t waste any more time by trying to struggle alone.

EACB

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.