Love Letters
Q. I love my boyfriend, but he annoys me more than anyone in the world.
I’ve been with him for almost three years but I can’t put my finger on when it started. I don’t know if we’re just getting so comfortable with each other that it’s easier to bicker, but it’s so frustrating to constantly be annoyed when you just want to be happy and in love!
Sometimes I feel like we speak the way siblings would, picking at each other (yes, I annoy him too) and teasing until one of us actually gets mad. I notice it as it happens, but don’t know how to stop it. I feel like it makes me less of a loving partner.
Don’t get me wrong — we still have great, loving times together, but just as many annoying times.
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Is this normal? Are there couples who never annoy each other? And how do you think we could stop this from happening?
– Annoyed Girlfriend
A. It sounds like you need more time on your own.
If you and your boyfriend are spending 24 hours a day together, you’ll probably notice annoying things about each other.
If quality time feels special — and not like filler activity — maybe you’ll treat it that way.
Also, it helps to think before you speak — with anyone. Can you take a beat before airing your grievance? Can you wait three seconds to ask yourself, Does that need to be shared?
I’m trying to do this in my own life. Not everybody needs to know when I have to pee, when I’m too hot, and when I’m feeling socially anxious. I can think those things and make adjustments on my own.
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Another thing to consider: Maybe you’re annoyed with other parts of your life and it’s easier to take it out on him. If you can’t tell a best friend you’re upset she’s been unavailable, you might bring that energy into your romantic relationship. Stress at work? It’s much easier to notice that your boyfriend makes a weird noise when he chews. Review what else is on your mind. Maybe if you identify the root of the problem, your feelings will go to the right place.
Please know: I have seen many wonderful couples treat each other like annoying siblings. I have seen them whine at each other, make fun of each other, and go from teasing to tears in minutes.
They tell me they want to stop. They have all said it takes intention and practice to be better. Really, if you love him, it’s worth the effort.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
Having a conversation about it would be a good first step. “Hi, I have noticed that we have gotten into a habit of not talking nicely and I would like to try to change that.” LEGALLYLIZ2017
Sounds like it’s time to practice a little mindfulness. Every emotion you feel doesn’t need to negatively consume you, much less fuel the childish dynamic you’ve co-created with someone you purport to love. PENSEUSE
Your relationship is one that should have ended almost three years ago. Sometimes we enter into relationships that are not worth maintaining. You are in such a relationship. BIGSIGH
Listen to the new season of Love Letters wherever you get your podcasts.
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