Love Letters
Q. My friend is in her early 20s and has been living with her mid-20s boyfriend for two years. Her citizenship status is DACA-like, and because of Trump’s deportation policies she felt unsafe and insecure about her ability to stay in the US. She asked her boyfriend (a citizen) if they could get married; he thought about it and told her that he wasn’t ready to get married to anyone and had never envisioned his future because he’d been sick for so much of his life. He wanted to break up so she could find someone else and feel safe; she wanted to keep dating.
Shortly after, she figured out a different way to secure her citizenship status, but they broke up anyway because he said he needed time to figure things out on his own. She loves him and thought they both wanted a future together, and she is, understandably, very hurt.
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What would you tell this friend?
Listening to her, I remembered the many commitment-phobic guys I dated in my 20s and 30s, and the cynic in me thought: “I’m not ready to get married to anyone” is something guys say when they don’t want to say, “I’m not ready to get married TO YOU.” Why else would he elect to break up when she was willing to wait for him to figure out his ambivalence about marriage?
It’s easy to discard a relationship when you’re young and it seems probable you’ll find other relationships — especially when it’s your first serious relationship (this was his) and you have fewer metrics for how precious your existing relationship is. You don’t feel ready until you are, right?
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My friend also thinks her ex may be neurodivergent in a way that when his routine is interrupted, he might feel overwhelmed. Could it be that my friend’s marriage request caused this kind of disruption?
HELP ME HELP HER
A. I can’t speak to the second part of this, but I don’t need to — because the first part gives us all the answers.
This man said he doesn’t want to get married right now. He cares about your friend and wants her to be safe, but will not make promises he doesn’t intend to keep.
Makes sense to me.
It also makes sense that he’d take the relationship for granted, assume there will be others, and seek out a bunch of new experiences, simply because he’s in his 20s. You’re absolutely right — many of us move on from great people when we’re that age. But that’s how we learn and grow. That’s how some of us figure out who we need to keep around. That’s how many learn to be independent, and that a single life can be wonderful.
I understand your take on his words — the “I’m not ready to get married TO YOU” translation. But I think it’s more like this: “I can’t even think about getting married because I don’t even know if I want to do that — and it doesn’t look healthy or interesting to me right now.” Sure, he might marry the next woman who comes along, but that doesn’t mean he was lying about his goals. It’s just … timing. We want one thing until we desire the next, especially when we’re still figuring out who we are.
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I’m glad your friend found another way to get what she needed. I’m also happy she’s single and maybe looking for something new.
You don’t have to help her figure out what happened here. I’m sure she’s replaying it in her brain a lot, but remind her that her ex was pretty clear.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Would you really want your friend to force his hand for citizenship and not genuine love and commitment?
PENSEUSE
The fact that “he wanted to break up so she could find someone else and feel safe” is telling. She must have really pushed the marriage as a path to citizenship angle.
SUNALSORISES
It doesn’t matter why her ex doesn’t want to be her boyfriend anymore. or why he wasn’t ready for marriage. In my opinion (and I’m biased because I’m in my 50s), your 20s and even early 30s is too early to be focused on marriage, especially if it’s someone’s first relationship. She’s secured her citizenship, so that’s good, but time for her to move on. I hope you’re not bringing the subject up, but if she is, listen and just encourage her to get out and meet other people. He’s ONE guy.
BKLYNMOM
Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.